Like my heart the sea-shell now lies shattered in pieces on the ground. Everything it once stood for twisted and broken. Instead of enchanted it had become cursed, its once beautiful meaning lost. For when I shakily held it to my ears, to hear the voice I hold so dear, to hear the words I thought were spoken true, the voice had changed. It was no longer the soothing voice of my love, the one person I trust most with my very life, but the voice of my Father. And I had instantly threw it to the ground with more might then I knew I had in that moment. As the shell broke into pieces it dark shadows emerged from all the pieces and rose above me, grinning and laughing before disappearing. I felt waves of nausea wash over me and I was sure I would be sick. And I reached out for the Moon as if I expected it to lower from the sky and whisk me away. I tried to focus on the moon until the sickness could pass and I could once again look to the shell bits. And as I did I saw all the broken words laid out before my eyes - replacing the fragments of shell, and I began to see that they meant absolutely nothing; and in some distorted way the words I head my Fathers voice whisper from the shell before it had shattered, words I can not bring myself to pen into this journal, began to eerily calm me.

He was right about everything, about how it would end. I could not have known he would have turned out to be so right. That my efforts to escape had been futile. That I could never be rid of him, or free of my past no matter what Pallas lead me to believe - that we were fools on a fools errand. That what we accomplished in Brightree was nothing more then a fancy display that we let ourselves believe had been a massive feat to free me from those binds forever after. Father told me so, and he always knows. He told me it would end this way and that it was he I would be with again, when the time was right. He laughed at the love between us, he called it a rouse. And I cant help but wonder if he has something to do with what is happening. And one word he spoke sends jolts of disgust through my body. Myoakka.

Yet in some crushed, twisted logic I find a solace that someone so familiar is still with me, has always been with me, and will be with me until the bitter end - and after. Waiting for me somewhere I can not yet be. Enticing me to follow his voice, for the sooner I do this indescribable pain will end. Though I am certain he enjoys the suffering...and I know the pain will be replaced with something else dreadful. But it couldn't possibly hurt like it does right now.

And It doesn't matter to me anymore what any of that actually means. I understand now his way is the way it was always meant to be and will be - and everything else was a fantastically elaborate blissful illusion. So what do I do now? As I stare at the newly risen Gates of the Many, feeling pride for my Brethren, my best one, duty to my homeland and love for my kin, I find myself drawn to the gates and all they stand for and all we achieved together that night...and yet I am equally pulled in another direction by the terrible voice I lived in fear and dread of my entire life. Gods help me find the strength to do whatever it is I am meant to do. If I follow my own heart it will lead me one way and if I follow my head it will lead me the other. The inwardly screaming conflict of this sends me into a shuddering cold which I can not manage to think clearly while enveloped within. I can not do this alone but I am sure that I must.

Regardless of all that, I know now he was right. There is no more kidding myself. As I make my way back into the depths of the tombs I realize that as much as we desire it, we aren't all meant for great things. Sometimes we are just play things.


...then I awoke. I was alone, slumped against a wall in one of the deepest, darkest corners of the Nrolav tombs. I felt confused. I felt the nausea slightly stir in my stomach. I wasn't sure what was real or even where I was for that instant. And then I moved my right hand to in front of my eyes. Gripped in my hand a sea-shell. Whole and unmarred.

And although I felt relief wash over me, I have not yet gained the courage to raise the sea-shell to my ear.

I don't mean to sound angsty journal, but I am going to do it anyway. A girl is entitled every once and a while to just let it out.

I miss what we had but am not happy with the now. Angst - but heartfelt.

I trained so long and very hard and my body scolded me the next day for it, too. But I have to admit while I was out there slaying horrors I felt great and I felt alive as I slashed through them and felt my muscles come to life as they burned. But I kept on going and going. And of course, the next day I paid for it in much pain. It wasnt easy to move thats for sure but I still managed to help an initiate for a good while and finish up with the cookery at the halls. And I found out that its not such a good idea to take a soothing soak in the pool of tranquility when you are so tired that you end up falling asleep and waking up sputtering water and with one of my terrible headaches. I downplayed it all, like always. I suppose I was lucky but Lucius seems to think I sometimes need to be supervised. I certainly didn't help my case any but I wont admit that he is right. I was just so so so sore and tired from over doing the training the day before, and constructing the new cookery and the happenings at the stone doors - among all my other daily runnings about. Like always my body couldn't keep up with my mind or what I wanted - and it tried to betray me as usual. And despite that and my accident proneness, I won. I used to think the word stubborn when directed at me was massively overused. But maybe it isn't...

When I saw her I nearly fainted. Not uncommon for me I know but I digress. All the love I felt for her over these years surged through me just as strong - if not stronger, though it never wavered in all the time she has been away. We embraced and we chatted. I told her Pallas would be beyond thrilled to see her. Thats when she told me they had already had some time together. My heart was so warm and happy to have heard that. I thought of the old emerald bracelet that I often hold in my hands when I'm in deep thought. How all these years its been with me. Then I had to sit down or I really might have fainted from the surge of emotions I was feeling. It was all I could to to keep myself composed, though I wish I didn't have these weird issues. But I wont go off into complaining about that stuff again right now.

Dear sweet beautiful soulful Jael. I cant wait to catch up properly and for her to meet the rest of our beloved family.

Its been an eventful day. I tidied up the pagoda of Peace at the guild hall. Then I spent much of the day training and tended to a few raids. also, I got lost in the grasslands right after being pleased with myself for finding Fartown without getting lost. I felt pretty daft, especially after Kenj told me the grasslands are easy to navigate!

And yes, I said the 'T' word. Its been quite some time for me. I usually farm the tombs when I get the chance but I wanted to really work my weakened muscles today. I was genuinely surprised when I found I had been bestowed with an unexpected yet welcome blessing. I am unsure what I did but it renewed my vigor and brought peace to my mind. I gave my humbled thanks.

The monument at the stone doors now glows with life and light. Seems poor Raffe and Sorynn had a bit of an...experience during that incident. But I have since tied myself to the monument. Figured it was time for a change. I love Spinny and still tend to his flowers Lucy and I long ago planted around him but the happening at the doors is too exciting for me to resist checking in on. Everyone is so curious and the lands are abuzz with chatter of the happening. Time will hopefully soon tell what this will all be about. And I am even more hopeful then I was before that this is a good happening.

If the rogue was around...I would tell him. But, he isn't...